Y’all are going to get a peek into a brain that feels like it’s breaking. Recently, it’s almost like I can see a shadow of myself in my brain screaming to be let out. It’s so hard to explain. I can almost see a version of myself that just wants to scream, cry and curl into a ball and give up. I won’t. My kids, my husband, my sister…. They push me to keep going. But fuck, I’m tired.
All the things that have hurt me are replaying in my head. On repeat. Making me angrier and angrier. Why couldn’t I have parents that truly loved me? Why couldn’t I have a brother that didn’t push me away and then leave us? The list could go on and on.
Multiple times I have wanted to scream and throw my phone against the wall. Pound on something. Of course, all of John’s rants are ringing in my head. Then I wonder, is this how his started? Did he feel like he was going to explode? I wish I could say I know that it is or isn’t the way he was thinking, but he shared nothing with me.
Every single day I remember the day I found out he died. The unbelief was so strong. I can feel myself literally go numb. Daily I have to remind myself that it is in fact real. That he is in fact gone. It’s like I have to be told anew every single fucking day and I’m exhausted. Who tells me? The angry part of me, that’s who. I listen to music and am reminded of him.
There are moments when I remember how mean he could be to me. It makes me want to call and yell at him. How dare you treat me the way you did. Then you left me and left me with all these feelings. Confused. Sad. And really fucking mad.
I want to call up God and ask, “How long is this going to last? Will I ever be truly happy again? Will this pain stop? When God, when WILL IT STOP?”
Is this the step of grief, anger? I’ve never felt this angry in my life. And I’m a Taurus!?!?! This is normal for me. Moments of anger when the Bull must be let out. And yet, I’m in new territory. I want to escape but where do I go? I will be going with me, so there’s that. I take all this anger with me. If I choose to visit a friend, I’m there with me. This probably makes no sense to most of you but trust, this is what happens in my brain. It’s like I’ve lifted the top of my skull and said, “Hey guys, look at how fucked up I am.”
My entire life I’ve felt like I never belong. At least I had myself to keep me company. Now…. Now I’m sharing company with a very angry woman, an angry teenager, and an angry little girl. They are all here, reminding me of how they were hurt and the injustice of it all.
Life is so hard, y’all. I know you all can relate on some level. We all have to go through it. Some days, it just feels so unfair.
Let me end on a somewhat high note - at least it’s Friday.
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