Hello, it's me.....

First, let me just say, I apologize that it's been far too long since I wrote. When I first started this blog, I had great ambitions to write once a day. Then I was sure I could write once a week. We all know where that went.

Since my brother's passing, my psoriasis has been acting up due to stress. The amount of stress that I encountered was beyond imagination. Let me first say that the stress I was dealing with that year was ridiculous. I honestly thought, I can't possibly go through much more, right? Note to self, NEVER say that even in your head. Life said, "Hold my beer."

I was working through childhood trauma with a therapist. I was using EMDR with her to go through multiple traumatic experiences from childhood that wouldn't let me live today. I found that I was taking all of that anxiety and placing it on my husband. We have our stuff as most married couples do, however, I was putting my issues from my childhood on him and that's just not fair. I wanted to dig down and heal some serious issues. So many horrible things happened with my house and I got to a point where I felt a breakdown coming. It was the combination of working through my trauma and then my house shitting the bed. Needless to say, my therapist had me take a leave of absence so that we could focus on getting through the trauma quickly and without other shit interferring. That was on a Thursday and then on the following Tuesday, six days later, I received the text that my brother unalived himself.

All that to say, stress plays havoc on your body and my scalp psoriasis came back. I hadn't had issues with that since I was in high school and even then, it wasn't bad. Add on to that, I'm an emotional eater and I basically took all of the work that I had done, and flushed it down the toilet. So, a year and three months later, I'm working with doctors to get my psoriasis under control. I'm trying to get my body back in control and start eating better and working out. I'm not going to lie and say that I am definitely doing this, but I have made myself a promise that I am going to try. I really want to do this.

I am a person that has always been able to put my mind to something and then do it. I decided I needed to quick drinking alcohol, so I did. I decided to quick vaping and I just did it. That was hell by the way, but I did it. I have, in the past, decided to diet and excercise and lose weight and I have. This time, I'm having a hard time getting motivated to do it. I'm in a new place and I feel a little lost. I'm not used to fighting with myself like this. I'm trying to be kind to myself, as I am truly my worst critic. It's been hard though.

As I was watching a show last night, they mentioned that when you lose someone close to you, holidays are never the same. It's so true. I loved the holidays. I would bake cookies, decorate, and fully enjoy this time of the year. Since last year, I find it a bit more difficult. I have my moments this year but it's not the same. I feel, at times, that I am walking through a constant fog. It sucks. I just want to wake up and be myself again. I'm sure one day I will be a better version of myself. Not like before as that Leilani passed with my brother that day. However, a new Leilani can be born and I am going to promise to work to get to that place.

In the meantime, I promise to try and write more. I do love doing it and it helps to get my emotions out on paper. Even if once a month. Until next time friends....