It was 10:50am. I get off the elevator and check myself into the computer for my therapist appointment. I sit down and open my phone to read while I wait to be called back. My phone buzzes in my hand and my Mom's name pops up, the bubble opens, "John Michael is dead." I stare at
the phone in disbelief. I respond immediately, "How? What happened?" I wait, "He shot himself."
I lose my breath. I look around, who is around me. How do I keep it together. My phone rings, I pick up to hear my sister's voice, "Is this real?" She is crying. I respond, "I don't know. Did you call her?" She responds that she tried but my mom turned off her phone. I told her that I was in my therapist office and as soon as I get out, we will figure it out. I text Ken, "Hey babe. I need you to come home right away. My brother is dead. He committed suicide."
"Leilani. Come on back." I look up and see my therapist. I walk quickly to her office. Once inside, I turn and say, "I just got a text that my brother committed suicide." She rushes to my side and has me sit on her couch. I am stoic. No tears. Just bland. Little did I know that I was in severe shock. See, I forgot that Ken knew John. John was his little brother as well. He knew him since he was 11 years old. When news such as this comes, your brain stops working.
I get a text from Ken that he will come to my therapist office to pick me up. I just sit in my therapist office and explain in monotone what just happened. Ken arrives and I stand to meet him. When I turn the corner, the look of pure shock on his face is evident.
I understand that life became too difficult for John to handle. Before my brother unalived himself, I always thought that people who commit suicide are selfish. I know, with everything in me that John tried really hard to avoid this. I know that he was in constant contact with our cousin who was a Godly, loving support. It was still too much for him. He needed a lot. First and foremost, he needed medicine. He needed constant help in an inpatient facility. If he had reached out, I would have dropped everything and went to him. Regardless of all the hurt that I have endured, I would have done that because the love I have for him far outweighed that.
One year has come and gone and I still miss him with all of my being. I'm told it gets easier. I don't know. I think your life just changes. My life is filled with cracks where devastating events have occurred. This is a big one that changed who I am for the rest of my life.
I love you, John Michael Sleeman. I hope your pain is gone. My isn't just yet.
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