Y'all, first, it's been really hard to take the time to write my feelings. Wait, that's a lie. I have the time, just not the energy to do it.
When my brother passed away, after all of the immediate emotions subsided, the box of trauma from my childhood broke open. Memories that I have long suppressed came flooding back. Trauma. T-R-A-U-M-A. It's as if, so long as John and Christine were around, I was able to keep that box locked up. When he passed, the lock could no longer hold.
I have always thought of myself as a strong person. This has caused a lot of doubt on that front. My therapist scoffs when I say anything of the sort. She reminds me that I was a little child that wasn't supposed to have to deal with those feelings. A small child who was..... STRONG, RESILIENT, and Innocent.
Two weeks ago I watched the movie, The Whale. I will tell you, it's dark. As I watched it I cried in earnest. Wanting to scream to John, DON'T LEAVE ME! For those of you that were lucky enough to not have to deal with childhood trauma, I'm going to give you a lesson. Not that I have to explain myself or my siblings relationship, but so that you can understand. When small children experience trauma, when they become adults, sometimes they separate from each other. They don't talk much and you wanna know why? Because even being together brings back trauma. That's something I have to live with. I know that John forgives me.
So many things make me think of him. I see four leaf clovers constantly. I went out to eat and the waitress had one on her wrist. For my first birthday without him, I have planned to get a tattoo in remembrance of him. I will share what it is once I have it done. It's for the three of us. Christine, John and myself. So many times, my parents worked to divide us. It's sad that they did that but I will say this, we loved each other regardless.
I'm working on a better me now. Going to therapy and working through all of the trauma, God help me, no really, GOD, I need you during this time more than ever. Working on my health and working through emotional eating. That's so difficult. Food isn't helping though so best to not harm myself further. It's really hard work, but I know that when I get to the other side, I'm going to be a better person and so damn proud of myself. Every single time I work through a memory and come out on the other side, I pause.... I did it! With God's help and my amazing therapist, I did it. And I remember..... STRONG! RESILIENT!!!!! I can do this. You can do this. We are stronger than we realize 99% of the time.
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