My journal entry from 9/24/22
It's been almost two weeks since my brother took his life. What they don't tell you.....
Usually, the deceased pushes everyone away. I believe the ones closest get the harshest push. They are more successful that way.
The first week of grief doesn't count. That first week is filled with the County Medical Examiner, Investigations, Detectives and gathering the deceased belongings.
Guilt reigns in strong. Could I have stopped it? (99.9% chance that you would not have been able to. But the .1% will drive you bonkers). Did I say anything to cause this OR NOT say anything and it caused this.
Disbelief. I had a panic attack. I was sitting in bed watching TV when all of a sudden I thought, "Did my brother die? I think I remember that he did. It can't be true." I called my husband up and said, "I know this might sound insane and not sure if I will have to ask again, but, did John really die?" He looked at me with sad eyes and said, "Yes. I'm so sorry but he is gone."
The family members that are the strong ones will carry much of the burden. They are the ones that jump into gear to get shit done. To be fair, they prefer it that way. That is where they are most comfortable.
The grief is like NOTHING you have ever experienced. Feeling like the grief will break you. Wondering if you are sick because you can't walk, talk, sometimes you can't even breathe. And nothing, I mean nothing can stop it from raining down on you.
Real life goes on rather quickly. A couple of days later, the posts die down as everyone gets back to life. While you sit wondering how that will ever be possible.
The constant searching for answers. Why did he do it? What did I miss? Reading every Facebook post to see if you missed something. Let me be brutally honest for a hot second. We always miss stuff. ALWAYS. Hindsight is 20/20. There is a reason that the saying is so popular. Because it is 100% true.
The anger. At everyone at times. Even the deceased.
The why's.... Why didn't I.... Why didn't he.....
As we received the remains, the funeral preparations begin. I'm left wondering, how would one week bereavement be sufficient? How do you jump back after one week? I can't. I'm beyond impressed with those who do.
This grief is definitely like no other. We lost my sons dad to suicide in 2018 when my son was 5. The guilt and the anger was so strong. It still comes up every now and then. I’m so glad you are able to share your story publicly. It has been helping me already as I have chronic depression and anxiety. Thank you!