My emotions have been incredibly raw since my brother passed away. I have a plan. Medicine in the morning, walk once a day, eat healthy, calm gummies (not those.... magnesium ones), sleep at night. The other night I thought it would be a great idea to have a cup of coffee at 4pm. Normally I can do that no problem. Unfortunately, not this time.
I couldn't go to sleep on Monday night. I mean.... I wouldn't have been able to fall asleep if my life depended on it. As I lay in the bed, my mind raced. I stared up at the ceiling and started thinking about my brother, my marriage, my kids, my family... the list goes on. I woke up the next day on my side of the bed but it was definitely the wrong side. I was so distraught.
See, Monday I spoke with my mom. My mom has mental health issues. She doesn't think she does. She refuses to take medicine. What most don't know is that when you are in an episode and unmedicated, you don't know you are in an episode. Everyone else is wrong and what is happening is real. See, to my Mom all that is happening IS REAL. She sees and hears everything that she says even if it's not happening. She would pass a lie detector test. With the passing of my brother, the episodes are lasting non-stop and every single day.
I have been speaking with her daily while she shares and screams. I want to be there for her because what if it gets so bad she wants to do the same thing that my brother did? What if I don't answer and that's the call when she really needed me. When something like this happens, you question everything. I also don't want my sister to take the brunt of her breakdowns. They are brutal. She is mean. MEAN MEAN. One text she said, "FUCK YOU!!!" She said it repeatedly. If your parents have ever screamed this at you through no fault of your own, I'm sorry. It's awful.
She said something that opened up the box in my brain. You know the one. Where all the hurt from childhood is kept with a big padlock. The place where all the trauma goes. (TRUTH BOMB.... the padlock is made of licorice and it opens whether I want it to or not and usually at the most inopportune times). I SAW RED! Something snapped and I started to talk. Then I was yelling and in the end I yelled so damn loud my voice cracked. I wanted to punch her. I wanted to hurt her. If you have ever felt rage like this, it's scary. You can see that you are getting out of control but you just can't stop it. I'm an incredibly patient person. When I am pushed into a corner, I'm a Taurus, a bull. I'm a bull in a china shop, if you will. Shit gets broken. I unleashed. I hung up before I could inflict any more damage. I sat shaking. The rage was so powerful, I was shaking. Trauma, my friends.
The emotional hangover I felt was great. Hence, I couldn't sleep. The next day I was so sad. It all felt hopeless. I had been feeling good. I was happy for a bit. I could see the light. Then Mental Health Mom struck and it all came crashing down. I'm better today. I was able to get a full nights sleep. No more coffee at 4pm. Lesson learned, very hard lesson learned.
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