The Holiday Season After Losing Someone....

Have any of you noticed how many movies contain suicide or references of such? It's astonishing. It's like when you get a new car and all of a sudden you notice that car is super popular. I know, poor example but it's very much similar to this. As I watch movies and TV shows I notice that it's everywhere. Even the book I am reading has it mentioned multiple times, suicide that is.

As I enter this holiday season, I'm so sad. This time of year has always held excitement for me. The warm feeling of a family at a Thanksgiving dinner. All of us putting up the tree and me decorating it. The kids truly have never really been into that part. It's ok though because I have always loved making the house beautiful for my family.

This year though, as we go to the store to gather ingredients for Thanksgiving, I keep being reminded everywhere I turn that my brother is gone. One of his favorite treats was chocolate Entemann's donuts. My dad would get them for him every Saturday morning. I see them EVERY SINGLE TIME I go into the grocery store. It's been two months and it is still so unbelievable. When I speak with my Mom I can hear in her voice that she is still in shock as well. We are all trying to keep busy but how do you keep yourself so busy that it doesn't creep back in? It's impossible. This is something that I will never escape.

I miss him. I dreamt of him the other night. I believe that those who have passed can visit us in our dreams. It's a way that we can see them but not become scared. I was exiting a home and he was coming down the sidewalk. His hair was short, no beard, he was wearing his leather jacket, jeans, and work boots. He had this huge smile and I started crying. His smile faltered and he looked at me with eyes of love and understanding. Then he slowly disappeared in my dream. I started yelling out for him to stay.

All week that dream has been haunting me. It parallels so much what I have been feeling. Having him disappear before my eyes. It happened over time. He slowly pulled away. When I would still try and have a relationship, he became mean. It was his mission to put distance between us. To this day I will not know why until I am able to talk to him again. Until then, I will have to lean on God and trust that He will get me through this.

Normally I would never even think about Christmas until Thanksgiving was over. However, as I walk through stores and see the Christmas decorations, I try to soak it in. I have been looking around at children's excitement. Seeing folks walking through with smiling faces like they are all seeing the sun after a very long grey winter. A burst of sunshine in a dark world. I was doing just that yesterday and this woman was pushing her cart through the aisle slowly. I couldn't get past her and I waited patiently. I smiled at her as she was walking past and she said, "I'm so sorry. It is just so beautiful and I got lost in it." What a beautiful statement. It IS all so beautiful.

As you start your holiday shopping, do me a favor. Pause and look around at all the beauty. Sometimes we all just get so focused on the business of the holidays, we forget the beauty in it. The time spent with family. If you burn the turkey, or the dogs eat it, go to the Chinese restaurant and enjoy being together (Christmas Story reference for you). Take it all in and give lots of hugs. Enjoy the time with your family while you can. The biggest present you can receive is the gift of your loved ones.