How do you know you're an alcoholic? Well, it differs person to person. The main factor is your relationship with alcohol. For me, I had rules.
Can't drink EVERY day
Can't drink in the morning
If I didn't do the above, I wasn't an alcoholic. I remember when I started drinking every day for a span of a couple days. I would also have a shot first thing in the morning after a night of drinking so I could function. My tolerance went way up. The amount of alcohol increased in order to feel the effects. Why did I drink like this? I drank because it made me feel better. That's why I called Vodka my friend at that time. Vodka made me feel better, until it didn't.
One day, the alcohol was no longer relieving my unhappiness. The day after a night of drinking, I would feel like someone ran me over and a depression like I had never felt before.
The last time I drank is burned in my memory. This was at a time when I was in college, so I had an endless amount of time to drink. That night I was sitting on my deck. There was a beautiful pink and purple sunset. Tiki torches lit the perimeter of the deck. I was lounging on a chair enjoying the atmosphere. I went into the house to top off my drink and my husband looked at me, "You have had quite a bit. Shouldn't you call it a night?" Oh my goodness, at that time you couldn't talk to me about my drinking. I would become defensive and lash out. I would hurt you so that you would leave me the hell alone. I had a therapist once who suggested I go to Alcoholics Anonymous. I fired her.
I went back outside and started drinking again. When I looked up, my husband was standing in the kitchen doorway. He looked devastated and was talking to someone on the phone. As I sat there, I thought to myself, "You are going to die, Leilani. If you continue drinking like this, you will die. Do you want that? If not, stop it now! Completely, and never look back. If you want to live, THEN LIVE!!!" This was a full conversation with myself in my head. I know, I know, it is a little bizarre. I work through many scenarios in my head, viewing issues from all angles. Every major decision in my life has a fork in the road. If I go this way, this will happen. If I go that way, that will happen. Then I ask myself, "Which way are we going?" When I start down my chosen path, I'm determined. I had decided, you see.
I walked into the house and poured the remainder of my drink down the sink. My husband turned to me and I asked him who was on the phone. "I called your mother. I'm worried about you. She is on her way up." I thought to myself, sure she is. I had surgery and was living in Frederick and she couldn't be bothered to come and visit me from Poolesville. (It was a 20 minute drive at the time, 40 minutes for my mom. You know... because she is a slow driver... I digress)
I went upstairs and climbed into bed. I fell asleep at some point and was startled awake by my mom, "Lani! Are you ok?" I mumbled that I was and then I heard her ask, "Did you take anything?" I said, without missing a beat, "No, but if I had something, I would have." I wanted to escape my reality. I would drink to help me do that. Nothing was working though.
I woke up the next morning and came down for coffee. I went right to my Vodka and poured it down the drain. I sat down with my Mom and Ken and said, "I'm not drinking anymore. I poured out all the alcohol. I'm going to see if I can find a meeting." I went to good ole' Google and asked the question. I saw a meeting the following day and an address.
That next day, I drove to the address. There was no one there. I drove around the building and didn't see anything or anyone. Feeling defeated, I drove back home. It was hard enough getting out of the house to go somewhere unfamiliar, let alone SOBER. I was trying to find help to quit the one thing that would usually help me in this situation. Are you kidding me?!?!?! Mind boggling, I know. I got back on the computer and found another meeting the following day, at a different location and time. As I drove to the second address, my nerves were eating me alive. I felt jumpy, scared, unsure, and sick if I'm honest. I didn't feel well and I was shaking from the lack of alcohol.
As I pulled in, the parking lot looked empty again. I wanted to cry and then I noticed a man walking through the parking lot. I immediately thought to myself, I should ask him. Ready for the fork in the road? If I ask him, I find a meeting and the help I need. However, then I have to ask for Alcoholic Anonymous and he will know I'm an alcoholic. OR, I don't ask him and I just leave. He won't know I'm an alcoholic so I won't have to admit that to myself. However, I will be right back at square one and I did say I wanted to live.
I asked him. I felt myself blush and he looked at me with kindness and understanding in his eyes. He pointed and said, "Right through those doors. At the end of the hallway, make a right and the room is on the right." As I walked into the room I shrunk into myself. I took a seat and waited for the meeting to start. My first initial impression was, "Am I in the right room????" There was a nice little old lady and a group that looked, how do I say it, normal? I expected bums. Dirty men and women with ratty clothes. It's funny the images that we create in our minds.
The nice lady started the meeting and said, "Let's go around the room. Introduce yourself and then share why you are here. You don't have to go into detail." As I listened to everyone introduce themselves, I noticed that they would say their name and that they were an alcoholic. I started to panic. Do I have to say that? I didn't realize I would have to say it out loud. Once it's said, I can't take it back. It's out there in the universe. Three people left. I could leave, right? They would notice me though and that would be awkward. Two people left. What did I want to do this for again? One person, I'm next. Oh, that's right. I wanted to live and that is the reason that I am sitting in this church basement with a group of strangers. I looked up and all eyes were on me. "Hi, I'm Leilani and I'm an alcoholic."
Comments