Take the good, leave the bad....

One bad habit I had to break was taking everything that was told to me to heart. "You know.... you aren't supposed to eat that, it's VERY bad for you." "You should not be wearing that." "Your stomach isn't the problem, it's your thighs." "Wow, you don't look good, are you sick?!?! Oh wait, you aren't wearing make-up."

I wish I could say that I made those up, I didn't. Those are real quotes that people have said to me, to my face, with a deadly serious look on their face. WHY PEOPLE, WHY! I have learned a valuable lesson, don't ask unless you want the truth. Who wants people to continually lie to them. Also, I have learned, unwanted advice is deadly. Let me repeat that for people in the back, UNWANTED ADVICE IS DEADLY. If someone isn't asking you, you are not obligated to tell them. If you don't like their outfit, that's ok. YOU AREN'T WEARING IT!!!!

I heard this once, everything can create a scar or can build someone up. (I might have said this already in a past blog post, give me a break if I did, I'm going through Peri-Menopause and my brain is boycotting. Also, I joked with my daughter that my nightly Benedryl dosage to help me sleep might be causing dementia. Anytime I repeat myself I hear her say, da-mench-cha. Calm down, Karen's. I don't do that anymore.... the Benedryl I mean, I still repeat myself)

Alright, where was I, oh yea, everything can create a scar or can build someone up. Do you really want to contribute to tearing someone down? We don't know what someone else is going through. Let's instead spread light and hope.

I do want to say this though. I also learned this, being kind does not mean subjecting yourself to repeated abuse to spread light and love. It's hard to learn, that horrible word, you know it.... BOUNDARIES. I have always been terrible at creating and maintaining healthy boundaries. I hate confrontation, due to childhood trauma (be a good girl and....). I joked when I was sharing with my Sponsor that this was a problem. She laughed and said, "You don't have to deal with it but you do know that God will continually put situations in your life where you will have to learn." She wasn't kidding. It started to be very apparent to me that I had to learn, and fast.

Let's start with parents, shall we. Regardless of all I have written, I love my parents. They did the best they could, and that's ok. It's not my job to fix them. It IS my job to take the good and leave the bad, whatever that might be. My parents were the first difficult boundaries lesson. I always subjected myself to the hurt that I would receive from them. I would go from feeling wonderful and loved and then Jekyl, or is it Hyde, would show up and crush me. Do I blame them, now that I am an adult? I do to a point. However, when I continually show up and allow it without a word, what is that saying to them? That it is ok to treat me that way.

What I have learned.... I learned #1 - Keep your temper in check as best you can. Take a moment and breathe before responding. Formulate your thoughts. #2 - Be direct. I hate passive aggressive bullshit. "I told them! I did!" But, did you really? Or did you hint. Guess what? Most people don't see the clues or signs. So, BE DIRECT. "Did you just say......? That wasn't very nice and I don't appreciate it." "Oh, I was just joking, relax." "I thought the definition of a joke is that we all find it funny. I don't find it funny, therefore, it's not a good joke." Say it calmly. Then they will listen most times and they have no footing to respond. At least for a second. #3 - THIS IS MY FAVORITE. You are not a prisoner to a conversation that is tearing you down. As an adult we can....... say it with me...... walk away!!!!! You don't even have to wait for them to stop talking, you can literally turn and walk away. When they ask why you did that, you can respond with, well what you were saying was not true and it was hurtful, therefore, I removed myself from the situation so that I didn't react in a way that I would not be proud of.

Take the good, leave the bad. Some times, it is much more literal than you would have ever thought. Just my two cents. Take it if if you like it, and..... you get it.