Sibling love, a love like no other

I want to preface this entry with this.... A lot of what I write, at least for the first year, is going to be about how I am dealing with losing my brother and how that is affecting me. Some posts might be very angry. I want to say I apologize for that, but I'm not going to. Sorry, not sorry. (a little humor in a dark dark place)

Last night as I was laying in bed I started thinking about John. Memories of when we were kids. It seems like every day something reminds me of him. It never gets any easier. "It's going to take time" .... for what? For what???? I'm always going to have a hole in my heart where he was. I still have him with me, I know that.

As we enter the holiday season, I am finding it hard to get excited. We never really talked at the end of his life but we ALWAYS reached out on birthdays and holidays. There are so many things that are making me angry of late. I'm going to write them in here. Not to make anyone angry or to hurt anyone's feelings. That is not my intention. My intention is to show those that have gone through something so devastating that these out of the blue pissed off thoughts are normal. Oh, there will be cussing. If that offends you, don't read this. I'm not going to mute myself for those who get upset by it. Again.... sorry, not sorry.

I feel others emotions deeply. I always have. I don't know why I have this curse (some say gift). So, when people think badly of me or are judging me, I feel it. 99% of the time my feelings are spot on. I can feel when John's friends are judging me. It pisses me the fuck off. You know what he told you at the end of his life. Did he tell you all the times that I saved his ass? I love my brother more than you will ever know and our relationship was fucking complicated. Don't come at me like you know him better than me. DON'T. My politeness only goes so far these days and you will feel the full force of the Taurus in me.

"He wasn't depressed" - Oh, this one I loved. Who kills themselves and isn't depressed? Losing someone you love and missing them constantly is called what? DEPRESSION. Mental health runs in my family. I spoke with him in depth THIS YEAR about depression and working with a therapist. He was depressed. So, before you come at me and decide that you are going to tell me about how my brother was feeling, think again. Let me ask you this.... would you appreciate someone that you don't know coming at you a month after your brother passed telling you that they know him better than you?!?!? NO?!?!?! I didn't think so. (If the person is reading this, please take this with a grain of salt. I love him and this whole interaction hurt me deeply)

"Did you find his phone? I really want to know where his phone is." - His phone? WHO FUCKING CARES where his phone is. I want my brother back, not his damn phone. To me, everything else is secondary. I understand people want his things and to know they are safe. I treasure what I do have that he gave me, deeply. I just want my brother back.

The looks of, "why are you crying? You didn't even talk to him". - Why am I crying.... Well, I held him when he was a little baby. I saved him, with my sisters help, from a bully. We played for hours together. I used to play school with my brother and sister. I was their teacher. I would bring home extra hand outs from my classes and teach them. They both were in gifted and talented. You're welcome siblings, ya welcome. When he found out his girlfriend was pregnant. He came to Ken and I. We supported them. Helped them through that time and became very close. When I celebrated his 30th birthday. Sitting at a bar and just talking for hours. We would laugh until we cried.

Funny story - My Dad was in the hospital and my mom was in Arizona, I think. John asked me to come down to Maryland to help. I did. We went to the hospital together and helped each other during it all. As we were sitting outside smoking one night at the house, he picked up my pack of Newports and started lecturing me on the fiberglass that are in those cigarettes. I looked at him and picked up his Marlboro REDS. Holding them I said, "Really? Really?" The following day we woke up and started to get ready to go to the hospital. He went to pour a mug of old coffee. I looked at him like he had lost his damn mind. "I'm not drinking that. Please make a fresh pot of coffee." "No! That is a waste." I looked at him with puppy dog eyes and said, "Please, John. Can you please make a fresh pot of coffee? I can't drink that sludge." He mumbled something about being prissy. Boujee wasn't a thing at the time. He did make a fresh pot though. All the while huffing and puffing.

As we pulled up to the hospital he got out of the car and said, "I was expecting you to wait for me to open the door. So prissy." I started laughing and so did he. Then he said, "I bet you are one of those that uses half a damn roll of toilet paper to wipe your ass for fear of shit getting on your hand." With a completely straight face I looked at him and said, "You don't? SICK!" We both laughed until we cried over that for days.

My brother and I weren't talking when his wife passed away. My mom called me the night before and told me. I cried because I knew how much he loved her. I was the closest in distance to him. He was living in Philadelphia at the time. I texted him and asked where he was. He responded immediately. I left first thing in the morning. When I pulled up in the parking lot, I saw him standing there smoking a cigarette. He was wearing his leather jacket and work boots. I walked up and he all but ran, grabbed me and sobbed like a baby in my arms. A love for your sibling, at least my siblings, is like no other. So many things can happen but we are always there when it's needed.

So, I say all this because it has been eating away at me little by little. I might not have been speaking to my brother the day before he died, but we have history. History that only John, Chrissy, and I understand. Don't worry about it. Just know this, pause and think prior to lashing out at Chrissy or I. If John were here, he would tell you to leave us alone. No matter how much we have hurt each other, and we are all guilty, we were there for each other and loved each other more than words can explain.