Something that I have learned from my childhood is that regardless of what is going on, I want to be there for my children. My daughter's birthday was four days after my brother died. I was in shock. My husband and I were in Kentucky to plan next steps. I wanted to make sure that I was there for my daughter.
Before we left for Kentucky, we explained to her that it was a possibility that we wouldn't be back in time. I made her a promise that we would do our best to make it back. We drove back the morning of her birthday and was able to open presents and go out to dinner. My very best friend who is also my daughters Mormor (Danish Grandma) brought her husband and daughter for a visit. They were there to make sure her morning was special. We were able to go out that evening together.
I say all of this because life goes on. Regardless of the catastrophe that you are dealing with, the world keeps spinning. Work still needs you. Your children still need you. You have very little time as a parent to wallow in your grief. One gift that I wanted to give to my children is a mom who is real. They see me when I am broken but they also see me get up and move forward. Is it hard, my goodness yes. Some days it takes every amount of my energy to move forward. There were days when I didn't shower, I didn't change my clothes, or I rarely got out of bed.... but if they called my name, I was right there to give them support.
Moms and Dads, I want you to know that I see all that you are doing for your children. Every note in their lunch, dinner prepared and on the table, clean clothes in their dressers, a roof over their heads and water to bathe, you are doing it! When shit gets hard, be kind to yourself. Many people shield their children from the difficult trials of life. I can completely understand why they do that. However, what happens when your children go out on their own and their bottoms drop out? If they have only seen a parent who does 1: Stays in bed and refuses to move forward or 2: Doesn't show any emotion and just keeps going like nothing happened. That is a hard role model to emulate.
I promised to share my experience, strength and hope. I share the above because, well, let's be honest, we never know if we are doing a good job as a parent. Every decision I make I question. Should I let her do that..... Did I do the wrong thing by letting him..... I just wake up each day and try my very best to break the cycle of trauma and give my children the guidance that they need. Teach them to navigate all that this world will throw at them. All the joys and disappointments that they for sure will face.
If I make a mistake, and I do, I apologize without a but. You know what I mean.... I'm sorry but you shouldn't have done that. NO. "I'm sorry I spoke to you that way. No matter how upset I am, you don't deserve that." This was difficult at times but I hold my tongue. Funny thing is that usually, not always, my child will apologize for their part in it.
I will end with this..... As we start preparing for Thanksgiving, what do you have to be thankful for. No matter what has happened this year, and it has been shitty for a lot of people, what do you have to be thankful for? Remember the gratitude list.... what is on yours? Between cleaning and cooking, take a moment and reflect on all that God has blessed you with. By doing that, while you are eating that delicious food, you will have a moment when you look around the table and remember all that you have to be thankful for!
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