I’m so tired, sad, and sick. Literally, I have been sick since Thanksgiving. Christmas was beyond difficult. I have found that since Thanksgiving I have been pulling back. Isolating. I go to work and then I shove my nose in a book. The show Friends, which I have already watched in its entirety has become a necessary staple for my day.
I don’t want to go out in public. I don’t want to talk on the phone. I barely want to text. My family has been my saving grace recently. It’s difficult. Learning how to navigate life without a huge piece of it.
It’s sad. I always assumed my brother would be around. I took it for granted. You read it all the time, hold your loved ones close, you never know when it will be the last. That is so true but when life gets busy, I forgot that. Now all I have to remember him is “things.” His stuff. I will treasure it but it will never be able to capture all that he was.
I took down my Christmas decorations. As I was vacuuming the room that the tree was in, I looked down to the throw rug I have in that room and remembered my brother’s comment, “Really cool rug sis.” I started to cry. It hits you out of nowhere and it’s powerful. New Years Eve I was showering and the realization that he wouldn’t be a part of 2023 came to mind. I started bawling. I just sat down in the shower and cried until it was hard to breathe.
How do you explain that type of grief? It’s beyond difficult. That, my friends, is why I have a hard time blogging recently. How do I explain that in words? A deep hurt in my soul?
I realized that some of my writings might hurt my parents, therefore I took them down. One thing that I don’t want to do in the New Year is hurt others. I don’t want to take my anger out on others because I am hurting. I have lived through a lot of trauma and I will share what I can, but if it means hurting someone in the process…. Well, I don’t want to do that.
My resolutions…. Be Kind, Reach out more to loved ones, Don’t let a moment for kindness slip by, Tell the stranger that they look pretty (not in a creepy way, HAHA), Give hugs when they are needed (this is a hard one for me, I hate hugs)….. LEAVE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE. I don’t want to be remembered as someone who was cruel. I want to be remembered as a Godly woman who showed grace in abundance. Forgiveness. Caring. Kindness. LOVE.
I would describe that type of grief like an axe stuck in your chest that’s trying to split you in two. It’s not deeply imbedded, just there, a constant ache that grows and wanes but never goes away. Three years my Dad is gone and it’s still this tough. Sending love to you and thank you for letting me share.