As I woke up on Thanksgiving Day, I felt it. The loss. Luckily for me, my sister drove to Pennsylvania to spend it together. With her here, I felt like I had a bit more strength. In addition to my husband and children, of course.
I never know how holidays will feel after the loss of someone special. This one was a big one. I went through the day in a haze. It was nice out for November, so I built a fire in our fire pit and sat on the deck and just watched the flames. It was very peaceful. Both Chrissy and I just stared at the fire and enjoyed the quiet in the moment. I know he was with us at least for a bit. I know there were many that he had to check on.
I miss my brother.
Every Thanksgiving, I put on the Macy's Day parade. It was a tradition since I was very little. I sat down next to Ken and whispered, "You know, I hate this parade. I have never enjoyed it." He looked at me like I had three heads, "Then why the hell are we watching it when the World Cup is on?" (I don't know if he commented on the World Cup but I'm sure he was thinking that). "Well, it's tradition, that's why!" Needless to say, this is the first year I didn't hear, "And here comes SANTA!!!!" And that is ok.
When you lose someone, all the mundane shit seems stupid. The traditions that no one enjoys. Why was I wasting three hours on Thanksgiving listening to it. Let's be honest, we are all busy running around and we rarely get to watch the parade. We listen from a distance.
What is one tradition that I can count on? My Mom texting and being mean. If someone isn't crying on Thanksgiving or Christmas, or any holiday really, then it's not a success. I won't go into detail as to what happened, but let's just say that it was not a good time.
All in all, it was a pretty nice Thanksgiving regardless. The food was the best that it has ever been. I was able to spend time with my sister which was a gift in and of itself. After she left, Ken put up Christmas lights out front. We rarely do that. I truly believe that Ken is trying to make it as cheery as possible to lessen the blow of losing my brother. It's appreciated more than he knows. Keep moving forward. I stood out in the drizzling rain and hung lights around our light pole out front.
I apologize for the dreariness of this post. I promised to always be honest and raw and this is the truth of what this holiday held for me this year. As promised though, as I looked around my table, eating my dinner, I noticed my family. I'm so thankful for them and they make moving forward a bit easier. If not for myself, I have to keep moving, one foot in front of the other, at least for them.
I hope you, my readers, had a fantastic Thanksgiving. Now.... on to Christmas.
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