Inner Dialogue, what does your say?.....

As I sit here to write a post, my mind is racing. I have no idea what to write so I am going to do a brain dump. It might not be neatly written but I feel the need to write so there you go.

So, I have heard that not everyone has inner dialogue with themselves. What am I talking about? Well, that voice that you hear in your head. "What should I wear today? Hmmm, I could wear that black skirt with tights and those boots...." That voice. What does your voice say to you? Here is mine.....

"I don't want to wake up. What am I going to wear? You know you can't wear that anymore because you have gained so much weight. What will everyone be thinking? I know, you are so fat." Then I know what others will be thinking..."Did you see, Leilani? She has gained so much weight. What was she thinking? Did you see what Leilani wore today? Why did she think that looked good?"

My voice in my head is mean as shit. Where did that voice come from? Have you ever pondered that? Where did the voice in our head come from? As babies, we don't have that voice. As toddlers we might start hearing it but where does it come from really? It all starts at home. Unfortunately, parents.... it starts there. What did my parents say to me? How did that voice develop?

"Sit like a lady. Ladies don't sit like that. You need to cross your legs." What does a little girl hear? "Why are you sitting like a whore? You need to close your legs."

"You have thunder thighs like your Mom." What does a little girl hear? "You are fat. You need to go on a diet. You legs are so big."

"Do you really need another piece of pizza? Are you really hungry?" ...... "You are a pig. No normal girl eats as much as you do."

As a 46 year old woman, that voice bullies me daily. Even when I lose a lot of weight, there is always something wrong that needs nit picking. I sometimes say that out loud and who is listening? My little girl. I don't want to teach her to put herself down. It's a trait that can be transferred or stopped. I want to stop the internal bullying that has become an awful habit. I'm trying desperately to stop it. I have to remind myself that I am lovable. I am beautiful.

How am I beautiful? I read somewhere that you don't want to only say to your daughter that she is beautiful. If all we comment on is looks, how will they value themselves? If the only trait we praise is beauty, what will our daughters think? Will they think that the only reason they are beautiful is how they look?

I grew up in a home that was dysfunctional. My daily goal is to break that dysfunction. So my inner voice is constantly talking to me and coaching me to break the cycle. I'm so proud of both of my kids. I want them to know that they are beautiful, they are smart, they are valued, they are loved. I want their inner voices to tell them all those positive comments. Rather than the negative ones that plague me in my head.

Even now, my inner voice is chastising me, "Why in the world would you even post this blog. It's shit. It's not good. You are forcing it." I'm going to post it anyway, because I was led to write this. I try to go with it because honestly, someone out there needs to read it. A lot of us have mean bullies in our heads and we need to stop them. I have so much more to offer people than just my looks.

Let's be honest. I'm getting older. It is starting to show. The small wrinkles are getting deeper. I'm going to take a moment and put a positive spin on my thoughts. Why are the wrinkles getting deeper? Partly because I laugh a lot. My wrinkles are caused by smiling. Smiling makes me happy and others happy. So those wrinkles are showing the world that I live in a family that makes me happy now. That's amazing, right? My jeans are tighter now due to emotional eating. What is the positive spin on that, rather than a negative...you are getting fat? I have been eating to help me through a very tough time this year (emotional eater here). I have food to eat, which is a blessing. I have a coping mechanism to help me, albeit not a great coping skill, but progress not perfection. I'm learning and each day I am trying to do better. That's beautiful.

I challenge us all.... when you get ready today and look in the mirror, what do you see? If the bully shows up, tell them to pound sand. Find something you love about yourself and say it. "Your hair looks so pretty today! Today is your day, you will finally...... That goal you had, today you are going to kill it!" Who is the one person that can be nice to you, without fail? YOURSELF.