For years I have been in and out of therapists office. Do you find your perfect therapist on the first try? I'm sorry to say that it is incredibly rare for that to happen. Why is that important? Let me explain it this way. Do you trust just any doctor to work with you when it comes to your health? Probably not. If said doctor isn't right for you, you keep looking. Get a second opinion, if you will. It's the same with therapists.
The first therapist I went to was not a good fit. What becomes so overwhelming is that every time you go in, it usually starts with going over why you are in there. That is hard. It brings back all the feelings. Another therapist was a man who downplayed how I was feeling. He would joke about women and generalize stories to show how women are easily swayed. Let me tell you, I left, called the office, and cancelled my appointment. I have realized that I am hiring someone to help me and if I leave feeling worse, I will no longer subject myself to that, much less pay someone to do it. I had to learn how to deal with that. Am I perfect at it? That's funny. I will answer with a resounding hell no.
When I was still drinking, I usually would drink prior to going into the office. I know, I know. It was how I tried to deal with the anxiety. Eventually, I believe it was therapist number three that told me that it was unhealthy to deal with it in that manner. I noticed that I was relying on alcohol to deal with my problems. There are many of you that might be reading this and thinking, "What in the world?!?!?!?! What sane person would turn to alcohol to help them through problems?" Who has two thumbs and is guilty of this? This girl! Also.... sane? That's relative.
So, I decided it was time to give up my friend... Vodka. It wasn't helping me and quite honestly, the following day I would be more depressed. Looking back now, it makes perfect sense. Alcohol is a depressant. Why in the world would I think that a depressant would help me during a depression. Well, because while I was actively drinking, I felt better. It was the next day, when all of my problems would be there waiting, staring me in the face, that it would become suffocating. Only now, I had to deal with them with a killer hangover. A little hair of the dog? Yea, I was one of those. I decided, drinking didn't make me stronger, instead it made me sick and weak. I wanted to truly live. It was time to give that up. So I sought the rooms of AA.
AA is a cult..... Isn't that for winos.... Who goes to those meetings anyway? People who don't want to live like that anymore and want help, to finally be free of the awful habit. Some of the most amazing people on this Earth that I have the privilege to call friends, I found in the program. They have helped me immensely and I am happy to say, because of their help, I have ten years clean and sober.
Now I'm sober and trying to deal with past trauma which can be horribly scary. After an appointment, I would then turn to food. Did you know that alcohol is packed with sugar? Hence why, in movies, attendees at AA meetings are drinking coffee and eating cookies? The sugar actually helps with the cravings. The problem for me was that I was an addict at heart. I became addicted to food. Comfort food that I could eat and make myself feel better. My goodness, my weight would fluctuate. I would gain weight during a difficult time and then diet and loose it all. So unhealthy. To this day, I am still working on my relationship with food.
Obstacles in life can be so overwhelming. It happens to all of us. We don't always share that on social media. I can assure you that I am very private when it comes to my alcoholism. Of course, here I am sharing it for all to read. Why am I putting myself out there? If I could have seen or heard that I wasn't alone, that others have experienced the same, it would have been a life vest thrown to me during the difficult waves of life. I am a strong person and I can deal with a lot. I abhor feeling weak. Some days though.... some days I need to know that I am not alone. That others are going through the shit too.
So now, the hope that I have to give. As I work through my past traumas and current obstacles, my therapist helps me. My husband and children have been amazing and they know that some days I just need to take a minute to be alone. They allow me that and I am forever grateful that they do so with love and understanding. If your family is not like that, look to your "family." Whether that is friends, extended family, or a life coach, find that person that will hold your hand through it.
As I work through moment by moment of my past, with the help of a professional, I come out on the other side feeling free and alive. Each time I work through a trauma, I have pride in myself that I have tore open the veil and started cleaning house. It is after all my life and my mind that I am healing. In doing that, I am breaking cycles of the past and starting fresh for my children. It's a legacy that you can't buy. If you are strong enough to work your ass off for your job, why not invest in yourself? Yes, it's hard but damn it, it is fucking worth it.
Side bar - As I share my experiences, there is a part of me that is scared. Am I "Jerry McGuire-ing" my life? This is my mission statement type shit.... I don't know. I have always loved writing and I have always had a deep fear of putting myself out there for criticism and opinions. I have found though, life is short. If you love doing something, do it with your whole heart and leave the rest to God. It's not for everyone and that's ok.
Now, lift your coffee and take a sip with me. It's a new day!
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