A day in the life of someone with mental health issues.

(This is from a time when I was in a deep depression)

I wake up slowly. Look around and realize I have another day I have to get through. I lay there and try and produce motivation to get dressed. I slowly walk to the bathroom where I shower and brush my teeth. In my head, so long as I am cleaning myself, I am doing ok. I go into my room and find something that is comfortable. The idea of doing my make-up and hair is too much to bear. There was a time when I wouldn’t think of going into public without those items complete. I don’t care. I don’t care if you think I’m unattractive while I go to the grocery store. Maybe you will leave me alone.

I see someone I know and smile. It’s a full smile. I pretend life is ok and chat with you for a minute. I am attentive to what you are saying and respond accordingly. We laugh and end the conversation pleasantly. The minute I walk away, I take a deep deep breath and get myself together to continue shopping. The interaction is draining and I’m hoping that I can gather the energy to finish shopping. There are many days when the prospect of going in public is too much and I don’t do it. The minute I leave my house my anxiety sky rockets. My therapist has given me a task. Go out at least once a day. Even if for five minutes. Go to the store and walk around. It’s important to do that so that you don’t become a prisoner in your home.

I get home and put the groceries away. The house needs straightening but my OCD goes into overdrive and it is just too much. I look around and there are so many things that need picked up that it becomes overwhelming and I sit on the couch. My dogs cuddle me and they are my saving grace on so many days. They need nothing from me (for the most part) and they give so much. I put the TV on and try to find something to watch. I can’t keep attention long enough to enjoy a show. I start to stare into space where my brain goes into overdrive. When I do that, my therapist says to look at items in the room and label them. There is a lamp, there is a statue, couch, table. This breaks the staring contest with the wall. I begin to feel exhausted and decide to take a nap where I fall asleep and sleep for three hours.

When I wake up the mess is waiting for me. So the cycle starts again. Why don’t I call someone? I will tell you. What do I say? I have no energy. I can’t get the energy to do anything. Usually I receive the following answers, “Have you tried this vitamin? Go out and get a walk. OH! I heard of this new supplement that you could try.” See, it’s all well and good and I appreciate the kind words and your trying to help. Sometimes I just need someone to listen. I’ve tried all those things and more. Depression can be incredibly difficult. Sometimes I need the actual anti-depressants. Most times it takes a bit for them to kick in and until then I am immobilized. Truth be told, I do the same thing when someone calls me. I’m going to try starting a conversation like that with this question, “Do you just want to vent or are you calling me to help come up with a solution?” Some days people just need someone to hear them. TRULY HEAR THEM.

Social media has created an atmosphere where someone with depression feels so alone. Why can’t I be happy. Look at Jane (I use that name because I have never met one.) She is able to make these fabulous dinners. She has such a clean house. She always looks so put together and happy. I wish I could be like Jane. What no one knows is the minute that Jane puts the camera down she goes into the other room where there are clothes, toys, stuff everywhere. Why would she film in there? That room is dirty. What would people think? They would judge Jane. I guarantee you that some days Jane goes into the bathroom where she locks the door for privacy from the kids, husband, animals and just sits on the toilet and cries. She has put the fan on to disguise the noise. Or she might do it in the shower.

Life is hard. Some days it’s just sooo soooo difficult. I am not sharing this to receive pity. I share this because somewhere, someone like me is reading this with tears in their eyes realizing that they are not alone. There are others who feel just like her some days.